The Post About The Quarantine

I have hesitated to write about the quarantine because probably everyone on earth is writing about it right now. How could I possibly have anything unique to say on the subject? We are at home. All the time. I’m homeschooling our kids. My husband now works from our house in an office he occasionally shares with said homeschooling kids. We are trying to: be helpful to others, keep from getting on each other’s nerves (if possible), and WASH OUR HANDS! The days are strange. We don’t know when or how this situation will resolve, we just have faith that it will.

But the thought that keeps returning to me over and over is this:

The grief of losing my sister has given me some tools to deal with this situation. Here are the parallels as I see them:

TIME

“It’s going to take time.” This is something I was told over and over when I lost my sister. People told me to not rush, grief takes time. I read countless books trying to figure out, “How much time? When will this end?” The truth is, there are far-reaching consequences to loss, just as there will be far-reaching consequences to this quarantine. Don’t worry, I don’t mean this as a doomsday prediction. I mean there will be both good and bad consequences, and we can’t see from where we are now what they will be. After much time, counseling, and soul searching, I have started to find peace with the not-knowing. I have learned, just a little, how to sit back and know that I just don’t know how things will go, or how long it will take to get to “normal”.

CONTROL

Many people who have lost someone they are close to will feel a tremendous loss of control. I remember telling a friend not too long after my sister died, “You know, we really aren’t in control of our lives. We just think we are.” This really upset her, and she started explaining all the ways in which she was in control of her life. I know what she meant, the choices we make lead to consequences in our lives, both good and bad. But what I meant was that in an instant, everything we know to be normal in our lives can change. That is a very hard idea to accept, but this quarantine has shown this to be true. My “normal” life consists of going to the gym, sending my kids off to school, having my husband drive off to work every morning, spending time with my friends, and occasionally catching a movie with my husband on a Saturday night. None of these things are part of my life right now. It helps me just a little to know that I have felt this complete loss of control before, and I came back from it. We all will come back from this.

ROLLER COASTER

There is a phenomenon in the grief process that a friend of mine who has lost a child, and I, talk about frequently. It is the roller coaster of emotions. I have noticed people on social media talking about having a “really bad day for no reason” or losing their temper one day, followed by being happy, joyful, and grateful the next. People who have experienced the grief process know these feelings very well. The roller coaster of emotions is just how things are when you lose a loved one. The people who have grieved and have identified this roller coaster as just part of life, have an advantage during the quarantine, because they have learned to identify the roller coaster feelings, and understand that one just needs to ride out the emotions to make it through. In other words, if you have a horrible day, that’s okay, tomorrow will be better. If you have a wonderful day, don’t think you’re going looney because you are having such ups and downs. Your emotions are okay. Give yourself a break and feel them, drink a glass of ice water, maybe take a nap, and keep going. (At this point I should mention that I have absolutely no training whatsoever in psychology, grief counseling, or medicine of any kind, I’m just someone who has been through grief.)

RESILIENCE

Moving through the grief process, just like moving through this quarantine, takes resilience. I’m seeing examples of human resilience everywhere I look right now. There are parents homeschooling their kids who have never done that before. There are people making face masks for friends, family, and even health care workers who never would have thought to do such a thing. There are elderly people (and not so elderly, like me!) who are learning how to use video conferencing apps like Zoom. We humans are amazing, and we are made to solve problems. Just like the widow who learns to take on a new task that previously her husband would always do, or a family who has lost a child finds a creative way to keep their memory alive, people in this quarantine are being remarkably resilient. People are brave, inventive, and creative when put into a position that requires them to be!

FAITH

And finally, there is faith. The pastor of my church recently shared with us that in an average Lenten season, the Maundy Thursday service at our church would have an attendance of maybe 50 people. This year the Maundy Thursday service she prepared and shared on youtube has well over 200 views. If you are feeling like you need to reach out to God right now and pray, because you just haven’t felt this much fear, uncertainty, and loss of control before, I would encourage you to do so. Part of my faith journey is that when I felt I had exhausted every other possibility of being able to save my sister, I turned to God. I went to church. I started praying. I know this isn’t how people are “supposed” to find their way to God, but it’s how I did. You might wonder how I can feel such faith in God when I went straight to Him to heal my sister, and He didn’t. All I can tell you is that I lost my sister, but I have made it through because He was with me. I have complete faith that we will make it through this trial, because He is with us.

Now, go ahead and binge watch some Netflix, cuddle up to that kid of yours who is always so busy with afterschool activities, or love on your dog (who, by the way, can’t believe their good luck that their people are around ALL THE TIME!) and know this for certain: we will make it!

Peace!