How do you handle it when someone hurts you?

We have all been there. An offhand remark that stings, a comment said about us behind our backs, or a biting jab right to our face. I am almost always caught off-guard. I feel shocked at first, but the shock quickly turns to pain. I’ll admit, my first instinct is to say something hurtful right back, and I want it to sting that person more than they have hurt me.

But as an adult, a person who calls herself a Christian, and a woman who strives daily toward positivity, I know that’s not going to make me feel better.

So, what to do? I have assembled a list (I love lists!) of suggestions for what to do when you have been hurt by someone. I am no expert, just a woman who loves to have a plan. I hope you find it helpful. Here we go:

Take time: I cannot address an issue in which my feelings are hurt right away. I have done it and still do it, but it’s not the right way for me to handle it. I know that if I take some time to think things through and calm down, I can address with issue with a much clearer head and actually think logically instead of emotionally. I think I need at least one good night’s sleep before I can come up with a plan about the hurt feelings I am harboring.

Consider their life and issues: I can freely admit that there have been times in my life when I have felt so down or so hurt by my circumstances, that I hurt someone else. After my sister died, I remember YELLING at my husband, full of anger, because he asked about the nachos I was making for dinner. I was not in a good place mentally or emotionally. That’s not an excuse for my behavior, but it is an explanation. Maybe the person who hurt you is dealing with things you don’t even know about. Maybe they are in a difficult place emotionally, mentally, or even physically, that could explain their behavior. Allow yourself to think about what could be happening in their world. It just might help you understand and offer forgiveness.

Think through whether letting it go is the right course of action: There will be times when we absolutely must have a conversation with a person who hurt us, in order to repair the relationship. There are other times when it makes a lot more sense to let it go. Letting it go is not an easy road, but some circumstances really call for it. Make sure you have determined which type of situation you are in. You might know that you will get nowhere by explaining that you are hurt to this particular person. Give yourself permission to work through your feelings on your own and move on. Some people in our lives should not be allowed to have that much control over our emotions.

Remind yourself of your worth: You might feel attacked by someone else and then let that feeling seep into your self-esteem. You might let someone else’s opinions and words tell you stories to yourself that you are not good enough. You must fight back against this. Practice playing the part of a person who really DOES NOT CARE what other people think, and remind yourself of your worth. You deserve to be you: your full, authentic self.

Work on becoming “Bulletproof”: One thing I have been working on a lot lately is building up my own self-worth to the point where the words and opinions of others cannot affect me. I think of this as being “Bulletproof”. I imagine others’ opinions being hurled at me, but I construct a barrier around my body and mind that makes their words, and opinions bounce right off and fall to the floor.  This is a simple, yet challenging task! However, I have found that my internal dialogue can be changed. When I find myself thinking, “That person doesn’t like me, I really am terrible.” I have begun teaching myself to quickly reframe the thought to, “That person doesn’t like me, but I know I’m awesome so it’s all good.” Boom, their dislike of me bounces off and falls, powerless, to the ground.

Pray, meditate, reflect:

Spend some quiet moments by yourself to process through the hurt. Some prayer, meditation, and reflection can be so helpful.

The Bible tells us the following about when someone hurts you:

“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. Whoever hits you on the cheek, offer him the other also; and whoever takes away your coat, do not withhold your shirt from him either. Give to everyone who asks of you, and whoever takes away what is yours, do not demand it back. Treat others the same way you want them to treat you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High; for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” (Luke 6:27-36)

I like to read through that passage to be reminded of the type of person I’m aspiring to be. Do I often achieve this level of love and peace? Nooooo! But I am always striving to be better and to extend mercy, because there will always come a time when I, myself, am in need of mercy as well.

I also own a book called, Positivity, written by Barbara L. Fredrickson, PH.D. (If you have never read this book, I highly recommend it!) She is a Psychology professor who has done research on positivity for more than 20 years. In her book she explains,

“…even while unseen forces pull you down, you can choose a different course. You can put the brakes on negativity’s downward spiral and rebound. The key is to uncover your inner wellspring of heartfelt positivity.”

I love the imagery of a “Wellspring of heartfelt positivity,” as if there is a beautiful, sparkling pool of positivity and happiness that is housed within me, and all I need to do is remember it’s there, and tap into it.

May you remember your wellspring, heal your own hurt feelings from within, and remember your worth today, and every day! Peace!